Murder They Wrote
by niko56
Summary: An exciting tale about Catwoman, Harley, and Ivy. The girls are framed for a murder they didn't commit but all the evidence points to them. Escaping from justice they will have to deal with, and trust each other to help clear their semi-sorta-kinda-not really-good names. A story of intrigue, mystery, and of course, comedy. Narrated By Mark Hamill and Joe Leahy enjoy and please R
1. A Cat in the Hand

**Disclaimer: Batman: the Animated Series was created By Bruce Timm, Eric Radomski, and Alan Burnett, owned by Warner Bros. Animation, and is in no way mine. **

**A/n: Hello valued Niko56 and Fanfiction readers! Guess what? I've done it again, hopefully. I have here, a story of three of the most notorious DC femme fatals. Harley, Ivy, and Catwoman. **

**Summary: Catwoman, Harley Quinn, and Poison Ivy are framed for the murder of a daughter of a well-to-do honest Gotham businessman (try finding another one of those) and are sentenced to death. Feeling they've clearly been framed, even though every bit of evidence points towards them, they manage to escape and go on a quest to prove their innocence. But this is proven difficult with the US Marshall's, and Batgirl on their tails every step of the way. And of course, at the very end, there's a huge shocking twist that no one will ever see coming. **

**A/n: how bout that stuff huh? Worth a review? No? Okay, just read it anyway**

**Rated T: language, cartoon violence, light sexual themes, drug and alcohol use, blood, Harley Quinn**

**Title: Murder They Wrote**

**Narrated by: Mark Hamill**

* * *

Our story begins in the ritzy Gotham neighborhood of Westbrook, home to fine notable residents, like Jaunty Jim Buckwheat, the regionally famous food distribution manager. There's a good business to get into-why the hell did I choose acting? Anyway, more on topic, it was the dead of night and, that's when you know who is out and creeping. We'll see him in a moment, inside Mr. Buckwheat's study inside his "secret" wall safe, our favorite resident cat burglar was pilfering some of Mr. Buckwheat's most prized hobby: pearls.

"Ah, there they are." Catwoman licked her lips. She admired the necklaces in her hands. "Not sure which ones prettier." She tried a necklace on...and I mean, come on, they're pearls they all look the same, right? "Puuuuurfect." she placed what she considered to be the prettiest necklace around her neck. "Alright, onto the next ho-oof!"

Catwoman was interrupted because as she turned around she ran into what she first thought to be a brick wall. Sadly, no. She looked up and saw the angry, steely gaze above a chin even Jay Leno would envy.

Batman.

Now, Catwoman knew Batman well. The smirk she wore on her face would represent that. She figured a few caresses on the chest, a sex-pun or two, and a brief scratch induced, cheating fight scene, would be all that she needed to get away. Again, wrong.

Batman grabbed Catwoman by the wrist of the hand that held the pearls and shook em out of her. He held her with a grip that only Darth Vader could contend with.

"Jeez, wake up on the wrong side of the cave this evening?" she asked half seductively, half annoyed.

"You've really done it this time Selina!" he boomed, in that thick, manly, and widely recognized voice.

"Did what steal pearls? I just did it on Tuesday." he glared, not wanting any of what she was giving. "Fine, okay, message received, I'll put them back, Mr. Killjoy." she managed to break free of his death grip, and then bent over to pick up the dropped pearls, which she rudely threw back into the vault, along with the necklace she wore. "There, happy?" she asked slamming the safe shut.

"Not even close." he said angrily, again. He grabbed Catwoman even tighter.

"Okay, cutting the circulation, not helping." she said a tad weak, surprised was she when he picked her off the ground...just by that one arm.

"You have no shame, don't you?" he hissed

"Hello? Klepto, remember? I steal things-it brings me joy! There! I said it, are you happy now-jeez, the man has enough pearls." Catwoman obviously didn't realize he meant something else. This of course, like most things, angered Batman, he slammed Catwoman against the nearest bookshelf, prompting a volume or two of Shakespeare, and Food Management for Dummies-to fall.

"This part of a steer straight program, cause I really gotta say it's working...a little." she said fading off.

"What are you talking about?" Batman asked a little angered "Do you even know what I mean?"

"Clearly not." Catwoman mused

"The murder?"

"What murder I didn't-"

"You know exactly what murder!" Batman boomed, rudely cutting her off

"Rude." she whispered with a frown

"Dana Fizizzi, daughter and heiress of Salami Fizizzi, the famous Shriner Car Magnate? He built an empire on those little cars...what would prompt you to kill her?" he asked

"What? I think you have your cowl on too tight Batman, I was in New York last night." she casually explained

"Really? And what-might I ask, were you doing in New York, hmm?" he asked raising an eyebrow

"Um...er...stealing stuff." she said weakly

"Yeah, pull the other one!"

"HEY!"

Batman threw her against a table, her hands now behind her back, and cuffed.

"Hey, not so tight." she sneered

"Sorry, I only make them tight for murderers." he said into her ear.

"But Batman you gotta listen to me, I didn't kill her! I wasn't even around!" Catwoman screeched more frantic this time.

"Sorry, I can't believe you anymore Selina. There's evidence that proves you WERE there, besides, when have I EVER been able to trust you?" Batman asked right near her face

"W-well..." Catwoman was stumped "I-I-" she stammered

"Exactly, let's go." He led Catwoman outside to the awaiting Bat-mobile...wish I had one of those.

And now, we do a quick zip-pan to Gotham PD. Where Batman, led a quiet Catwoman to interrogation room 1-A. It was one of those rooms with the two-way glass on one side. She could see, before entering the room, at the area behind the glass, was a few familiar faces, including Commissioner James Gordon, Detective Renee Montoya, Robin, and Batgirl. Montoya's partner, Harvey Bullock, seemed nowhere to be seen. Thank Goodness

"Well-well, bout time you showed up, take a seat Whiskers."

Dammit.

Detective Harvey Bullock, was the saddest-most poorest excuse for a police officer you ever did see. Which means he follows all the stereotypes quite nicely. His collared shirt unbuttoned, his tie loosened, his hair greasy, doughnut crumbs from chin to toe.

Catwoman, now cuffed in front, simply sighed, and took a seat at the table facing Bullock.

"I'll take it from here Pointy Ears, why don't yous take seat and listen in." Bullock assured him, in that thick Danny DeVito accent of his. The door was slammed shut, and locked.

Catwoman sat down, and quickly noticed two other familiar faces she knew, all too well, sitting right next to her.

Harley Quinn.

Once Dr. Harleen Quinzel-the bane of my existence-I mean Joker's existence, was once a not-so prominent psychiatrist, who couldn't tell ya you were suicidal even if the gun was to your head. She looked beaten, her black and red clown suit a tatter, bruises lined her face. Her make-up running. She too was cuffed.

Next to Harley sat perhaps her best-and possibly only friend in this world. Light green skin, fiery hair that could put Kim Possible to shame. A risque leafy green outfit, quite slimming, and of course, handcuffs.

Poison Ivy.

Pamela Lillian Isley might be one of the few people in this world who might actually marry a plant. No fooling. Her big claim to villain fame was the attempted murder of then District Attorney Harvey Dent. She did this...with a kiss. Though many assume her orientation to be a tad ambiguous, with most assuming she and Harley having a "special connection" or something like that, she is most definitely a deadly force to be reckoned with.

Anyway, Bullock shined one of those lights right onto their faces.

"Okay, so, how do you's wanna do this? Make my life easy, or do I gotta beat a story out of yous?" he asked

"Bullock, what the hell are you t-" Ivy tried to say

"The moider you stupid plant!" he jeered "Everyone who brought yous in told you di'nt dey? We all know you scum bags did it." he pointed

"Where's your proof?" Catwoman asked dryly, trying to shield her eyes

"Yeah wide load, where's this "supposed" damning evidence yous got?" Harley asked in her squeaky Queens accent that sounds like a female version of Paul Rugg screaming...or Jerry Lewis, something like that.

"I'm glad ya asked." Bullock said politely, he turned off the light.

"Whew." the girls sighed

"Yo Vincenzo, gimme dat TV outside." Bullock called. A second or two later, and an officer brought in a TV on wheels, with a DVD player. The officer then left. "Tanks Vinny."

On top of the DVD player was a bag reading, evidence. Inside the bag was a seemingly normal CD. Bullock showed it to the girls

"Know what dis is?" he asked

"Uh, duh, it's a CD grandpa." Harley blared

"Want us to show you how it works?" Ivy asked with a grin

"Hmm-hmm, cute." Bullock snarked with a half smile. He inserted the disc-ha-ha that's what she said-go ahead, laugh it up...sorry about this...there, all out of your system, you good? Good.

"What it is, is; the security footage of Fizizzi's safe room, I think you'll find da stars of the show quite...resembling?" he asked, still smirking.

Our famous femme fatals gasped at what they saw. If they were robots, or clones, or people disguised as them, they sure as pudding were doing a cracker-jack job at looking like, and acting like them. After brutally beating up Dana Fizizzi, a tall, brunette, Harley and Ivy sinisterly held her down, whilst Catwoman...well...uh...Y-you ever piss off a cat so much they just wanna-yeah, you get the idea. And then, as if to add insult to the apparent injury, the not only took the contents to the safe, but the body as well. Bullock stopped the clip.

"Need I say more?" he asked turning back to them

"But Bullock!" Ivy blared

"It wasn't us!" Harley screeched

"Harvey this is ridiculous, I know I wasn't there last night, granted I wasn't doing anything legal, but I sure as hell wasn't scratching Shriner heiresses to death! And I'm sure Harley and Ivy have alibis too!" she glanced over at them "You do, have some right?" their heads nodded "Good."

"Well it sure looks like you tree on dat clip."

"Got any fingerprints?" Ivy asked

"Yeah-yeah fingerprints!" Harley repeated

"Sch-do we have fingerprints-Do we have fingerprints she says?" Bullock chuckled looking over at the glass "Uh..." he scratched his head "Do we?"

"Yes, we do." came Gordon's voice over an intercom

"Aha! We do." Bullock pointed

"And plenty of them." he added

"And plenty of em!" Bullock repeated

"Enough of this malarkey, this interrogation isn't going anywhere!" Gordon added "Now girls, where the hell is the body?"

"We don't know!" Catwoman yelled

"We weren't there you old fart!" Ivy snarled standing up

"I plead the fifth!" Harley yelled tears in her eyes

"HARLEY!" the other two grunted trying to calm her down, and to make them look less incriminating.

"I tink dats all we's getting' out of em?" Bullock shrugged

"Yeah." Gordon said dryly, rubbing his temples "Put them in holding cells until their trial tomorrow, and make sure to have round the clock guards, got it Bullock?" Gordon asked

"No sweat Commish, I already got it covered." he saluted, then turned to the girls with a big Al Pacino smirk. "Ha-ha-ha, looks like we'll be sendin' tree fish to da fryer." the girls gasped as they were led away.

**To Be Continued...**

_**Voice Characterizations**_

**Adrienne Barbeau: **Catwoman

**Diane Pershing: **Poison Ivy

**Arleen Sorkin: **Harley Quinn

**Kevin Conroy: **Batman

**Robert Costanzo: **Harvey Bullock

**Bob Hastings: **Jim Gordon

**Mark Hamill: **Himself


	2. And Justice for None

**Chapter 2: ...And Justice for None**

**Narrated By: Joe Leahy**

**Content: language, crude humor**

**Reference from opening scene of "The Freakazoid!" **

Hello everyone I'm Joe Leahy, your co-announcer...you guys remember me from Freakazoid? No? Okay, that's...that's okay-but I'm sure you're all interested to hear about this trial huh? Yeah, thought so. Twas the next day at the Gotham City Courthouse, where the whole city was abuzz over this...seemingly apparent 'crime of the century' and for the perpetrators involved.

Anyway, after much harassment from the liberal media outside, our three lovely accused, dressed appropriately in one piece orange prison fatigues were brought into the courtroom, and they noticed several familiar faces in the audience. Like Billionaire Bruce Wayne, Barbara Gordon, Commissioner James Gordon, as well as Montoya and Bullock.

And, to their dismay-jeez they stuck me with all the exhibition narratives in this chapter-but sitting at the plaintiff's bench was the bald, Italian, mustached man Salami Fizizzi, wearing the fez of a Shriner. And next to him, was none other than current Gotham District Attorney, Janet Van Dorn. Staring daggers at the accused.

"You! You-a fiendish-a monsters!" Salami yelled and pointed "You heartless-a witches you-a murdered-a my-a daughter! You murdered-a my-a daughter!" Janet held him back

"Mr. Fizizzi take it easy, relax, justice will be served just stay calm." she said calmly to the crying man.

"She was...so-a young." he sobbed. The girls took their seats at the defendant's bench.

"He's got the sympathy factor, were toast." Harley whispered nervously.

"Settle down Harl, we just have to explain to them we in no way had any contact with this girl, and we'll be home free." Ivy explained.

"I hope you three are proud of yourselves." Janet said "Cause I doubt you'll be feeling that way soon."

"We'll see whose proud you harlot!" Selina jeered. The bailiff approached

"All rise, for the honorable Judge Norman Ivnobowels."

"That's Ivnovoals!"

"Whatever," all rise for-you know his name."

The chubby judge who looked like a white James Avery, took to the stand.

"Court is now in session, we have Salami Fizizzi, and the people of Gotham VS Selina Kyle, Harleen Quinzel, And Pamela Lillian Isley for the 1st degree murder, then kidnapping of cadaver, of Dana Fizizzi-"

"My-a daughter!" Salami sobbed

"Order-I said order Mr. Fizizzi...now, where was I-oh yes, as well as the grand larceny from the Fizizzi home, and to top it all off, breaking and entering. How do the defendants plead?" he asked

"What do you think, not guilty!" Selina jumped

"What she said!"

"Yeah!"

"Fantastic-"

"Wait a minute!" Selina stood up

"Yes, Ms. Kyle?" the judge asked

"Where's our attorney?" she asked "We do have a right to an attorney."

"One of you three pinheads waved it this morning." Janet explained

"Oh...that's what I was signing-"

"HARLEY!" the two girls jumped at her

"Order-order."

"Okay...this is okay, I just...I'll just defend us myself." Selina stood up

"Ooh, red what if I-"

"No-no a million times no!" Ivy shut her down

"Okay."

"Does the prosecution have an opening statement?" the judge asks

"We do your h-"

"Actually, your honor, I-a have-a my own...opening-a statement, if-a that's alright?" Salami asked

"Hmm-go ahead."

"Grazi." Salami took to the middle of the room, he sighed. And now a close-up, to a slow zoom out of his face

"I believed in Super Villains...I once thought they were-a just-a confused misunderstood-a people who could keep-a their word, even if that word was evil. I respect-a them. I once thought-a the same for-a these three." he pointed to the girls "All except for the-a Harley one, her I no like, she has a squeaky voice." Harley just frowned. "So one evening...last evening to be precise, I was in-a my garage, polishing my little-a putt-a-putt, a-that's what I call my little Shriner, my-a little-a putt-a-putt, my safe room, I...I was coerced into getting the soundproofing...by my daughter. I-I-I couldn't even-a hear her screams, her-a cries for help...I was-a right outside polishing my little-a putt-a-putt...I couldn't even hear...couldn't even-a hear...her cries...her-a struggle...her a-pain." a hush fell in the courtroom "I heard a crash, so I-a ran into my house, couldn't find her, there was-a no answer. As I drew up the stairs I could smell a faint...smell of blood I-a ran up, and...to, my dismay, gone...nothing-a but a pile of her blood. Only did I know the perpetrators, when I saw-a the video, the horrible-HORRIBLE pain you-a monsters have-a done to my daughter! You-a ripped a her heart out, in-a front of my-a daughter!"

"Order-Order! That's enough Mr. Fizizzi, one more like that I'll hold you in contempt you hear?"

"Yes-yes you're honor." he took his seat.

"Now we will hear an opening statement from the defense...if they even have one." The judge stated

"Your honor we have this to say!" Harley said standing up "...POOR DANA! WAHHHHHH!" Harley wailed tearing

"O-okay Harley, I'll handle this." Selina sighed taking the stand as Ivy tried to calm down the clown girl. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what is law and order-"

"Ms Kyle do speed this along I tee off in an hour." The judge insisted

"Fine, Harley Ivy and I are innocent, we each have rock solid alibis last night, the night of the killing, and therefore are innocent."

"That's great, prosecution, call your first witness-and do be quick about it Miss Van Dorn." the judge insisted

"Yes your honor, I call Salami Fizizzi to the stand."

. . .

"Mr. Fizizzi, you have explained to the court that you were outside tending to your personal Shriner car-"

"My little-a putt-a-putt."

"Yes, you did not hear the perpetrators inside the house correct?"

"That is-a correct."

"Objection!" Harley shouted

"On what grounds you dipstick?" The judge asked

"I dunno I've just always wanted to say it."

"Sit down." Ivy pushed her sown

"Anyway, you did not see anyone or hear anyone sneak in?" Janet asked

"No."

"Objection! I have grounds this time-Red and I would have made tons of noise, I'm clumzy, and Red's plants can crack windows, there's no way ol' Jackie Gleason over there could have missed that." Harley explained

"Good job Quinn." Selina whispered

"Uh-huh." Janet walked over "But who could let you both in undetected, what about a crafty little cat burglar who rarely gets caught...someone like-maybe...Selina Kyle?" GASP!

"Oh crud, shes right about that." Selina slumped into her chair

"No further questions your honor."

"That's great-defense call your first witness...and try to limit the questions to three please." the judge insisted

"Certainly your honor, the defense calls Pamela Isley to the stand." Selina stated

. . .

"Pam, what were you doing on the night of...whatever date last night was?" she asked

"Well, Harley and I were tending to the plants while watching reruns of Diff'rent Strokes."

"We multi-task." Harley added

"See, just innocently watering plants, not murdering the heiresses to Shriner Car magnates." Selina said looking at the jury

"Got anything to add Van Dorn?" Selina asked

"...Yeah." she said dryly "You three are the most despicable females this city has to offer, why should this court vouch for any of your alibis, when you can barely vouch for each other. I'll bet your excuse Kyle is your were stealing stuff, hmm?" the court stared at them

"Shes right!" someone jumped

"She stole my watch!"

"She stole my car!"

"That clown girl destroyed my store!"

"No further questions." Selina sighed, the two took their seats.

"Hey, at least your tried." Ivy patted her on the back.

"I call Selina Kyle to the stand."

"Make it quick!" judge ordered

. . .

"Alright Selina, since you're the one who made the most striking blow, I'm gonna strike you with the most damning evidence." Janet had a TV brought forward with several swabs of wall paper from the room of the crime. "I warn you all, this footage will shock you. This is proof that the three women sitting in this courtroom are guilty as charged, we even have fingerprints to prove it."

So Janet Van Dorn turned the footage on, and the courtroom needless to say, was shocked at the carnage they witnessed. Mr. Fizizzi of course, cried his eyes out.

"Noooooo! My-a daughter." all eyes fell on the three

"Guilty."

"Guilty-guilty."

"Guilty." the wispers rang.

"But-but, your honor it's just not true! We weren't there! That's not us!"

"Selina's right." Ivy added "We've done a lot of bad things, but nothing this bad!"

"POOR DANA!" Harley wailed again

"Detective Harvey Bullock-"

"Oh why you dragging me into dis!" Bullock yelled from the audience.

"Cause you're the one who confirmed their fingerprints you fat tub!"

"Oh yeah, yeah-yeah dats right. Yeah, it was dem."

"The prosecution rests your honor." Van Dorn said, she took her seat, to comfort the crying Mr. Fizizzi.

"Oh good were ahead of schedule, jury, you have a big decision to make, I suggest you-"

"No need your honor, we've already got our verdict." the jury foreman said when he stood up

"Oh wonderful, now I will make my tee off on time, alright let's hear it."

"Believe me judge, it wasn't hard...but we find the defendants of Selina Kyle, Harlenn Quinzel, and Pamela Isley guilty as charged."

"GASP!" the three girls gasped, their hearts sank

"For pete's sake I could have told you that one, alrighty then, ladies, this courtroom has found you three guilty of the crimes of first degree murder, kidnapping of a cadaver, and grand theft-"

"Where's the body!" Fizizzi asked

"WE DON'T KNOW!" Harley yelled still crying

"We didn't do it you-"

"Oh come off it!" Janet yelled "You've already been found guilty, just tell us where it is!"

"We didn't kill her dammit!" Even Selina was near to tears, Bruce took notice of this...she wasn't faking it.

"Order! So, now I have no choice but to issue a warrant to Commissioner Gordon and his men to find the body, as so I sentence you three girls...to the death penalty."

"WHAT!" they stood up

"Until such time you will be detained at Stonegate Penitentiary, case dismissed."

"No! No!" Ivy yelled

"Remove the defendants."

"Let's go you three." the bailiff and two other guards removed them

"but-b-b-b-but, I can't be put to death! I haven't seen Paris yet!" Harley yelled

"Eh, you're not missing much." Selina sighed, then turned to see "Bruce!"

"Selina wait!" he couldn't get through the crowd

"Just...promise you'll never forget me! Promise me that!" they were led away

Oh no! Were the girls framed? Will the real killer step forward? Will I narrate another one of these? Review to find out!

**Guest Stars...**

**Paul Rugg: **Salami Fizizzi, Additional Voices

**Stephanie Zimbalist: **Janet Van Dorn

**John DiMaggio: **The judge

**Richard Moll: **Bailiff, Additional Voices

**Corey Burton: **Jury Foreman, Additional voices

**Tara Strong: **Additional Voices

**Joe Leahy: **Our Announcer


End file.
